Communism: Is not the subject of this email
School is almost beginning again, and for most of you that means that you're either totally pissed that you have to physically go back to class, or, you are totally amped that your kids are no longer going to be at home screaming, snorting lines of Kool-Aid and spraining their ankles doing stupid TikTok dances. For the rest of us, we still have to attend the community college of life, which, like many community colleges, has very low entrance requirements and is filled with people you'd rather not speak to - but also requires you to work your stress infused buttcheeks off in order to succeed. In any event, we all know what this calls for... a Windscribe Back to School Extravaganza!
This September, get ready for the deal of a... September, and get Windscribe Pro for the super low price of 39 Freedom Dollars. That is like 1/1000th the cost of a single text book according to the math skills we learned at the Delaware Institute of Mathematology. You can take the $10 you save, put it into a bank that offers 2% compound interest, leave it there for a thousand years and BOOM.... you're a billionaire.
Upgrade to Pro For $39/year
Don't be a Jerry
But wait, there's more! Tired of the whole school thing? Can't afford Windscribe? You could always drop out and come work for us... for like... tons of cold hard cash. Other places only pay you in grams of hot squishy cash, which is kinda gross. Who knows, you might even become a billionaire like esteemed dropouts Steven Jobs, Wilhelm Gates or Jay-Zed. Apply for one of our open positions, we're hiring world wide and you can even get paid to make memes. Seriously.
"Get a job, you bum" - Your mom
But that's not all, we couldn't possibly leave you without reminding you about our awesome other product ControlD. Now you can manage the bad browsing habits you created during COVID and actually be productive at work or at school by selectively blocking websites during certain times of day. No more sitting through reaction videos of people describing the taste of meat to vegetarians, or watching your “besties” perfect the art of opening mayonnaise jars with their nose hairs on OnlyFans! It comes with Ad and Tracker blocking as well, and a whole lot more. You don't even need to install any apps! It's literally magic (if magic existed)! You can try it right now without spending a single, solitary penny!
This concludes our scheduled programming. Stay tuned for more Windscribe updates, which include Linux 2.0 GUI app (soon™), a whole new website (sometime this decade) and a bunch of other super secret stuff too.
