Internet is full of murderers who will literally kill your cat given the chance. Sure, you can 3D print armor for them, or send them to their home planet, but who has time for that? That’s why there has never been a better time to equip your fur ball with a VPN.
We’re gonna examine some leading VPN providers and see which ones have your cat’s privacy and more importantly safety in mind, but first, for those unenlightened individuals who are asking “Why does my cat need a VPN?” lets look at some benefits of cat VPN ownership.
- Secure Wifi — Cats are well known travelers and spend a lot of time on the road. Do you want your cat to be abducted and sent to a North Korean work camp to become soup? No? Get them a VPN.
- Access restricted content — Most of cat-on-cat porn is restricted. Do you wish your cat to be looking at human porn, like some kind of zoophile? Get them a VPN.
- Prevent cats’ deaths— It’s a well known fact that a VPN equipped cat is 187% more likely to reach the age of 15 than their VPN-less compatriots. Don’t let your cat become a statistic, get them a VPN.
- Prevent humans’ deaths — During the time of the Spanish Inquisition, Pope Innocent VIII condemned cats as evil and thousands of cats were burned. Unfortunately, the widespread killing of cats led to an explosion of the rat population, which exacerbated the effects of the Black Death. Save yourself, get your cat a VPN.
NordVPN
If you’re thinking about absolutely bulletproof (Soviet) military grade VPN, then look no further. But is it enough for your cat? Let’s see.
Pros
- Logo looks like a cat’s ear
- If you turn the logo upside down it looks like cow udders, and cats love milk
- Nordic people love cats because cats saved their economy from rat based disasters more than once
Cons
- Has “VPN” in it’s name
- Requires a root cert to be installed to use the cat-friendly IKEv2 protocol
- NordVPN did not sign the “Rats are food, not pets” petition that was sent out by cats last year.
“Expert” Rating: 37/69
ExpressVPN
ExpressVPN is a one of the top providers of VPN services for non-feline creatures, but is it right for Mr Fluffers? Let’s find out:
Pros
- Red logo — cats love the color red
- Located in the British Virgin Islands with plenty of access to sea water, so your cat can stay hydrated, since cats are totally cool with drinking seawater.
Cons
- Live support does not speak meaw, only English (see above)
- Does not accept fur balls as payment
- Does not support the cat-friendly IKEv2 protocol
“Expert” Rating: 32/87
PrivateInternetAccess
PIA is a well known VPN provider for humans, but is it right for your cat? Let’s look at some Pros and Cons of this service.
Pros
- You can spell “cat” by using the letters from their company name
- Based in the US, which has the highest cat ownership in the world
Cons
- Features actual humans on their home page. Cats are mysteriously absent.
- Does not support the cat-friendly IKEv2 protocol
- Access to the same amount of countries as muscles in a cat’s ear (32)
“Expert” Rating: 71/162
Windscribe
Last but not least, there is Windscribe. They strive to achieve the highest level of privacy and safety for your 4 legged explorer, at least according to their core values. But is it enough? Let’s find out:
Pros
- Openly expressed love for kittens on Twitter
- All cat’s get complimentary ball of string with Windscribe Pro Account
- Cat accessible applications for all platforms including litter box
- Uses whiskergalaxy.com domain for VPN nodes (cats also have whiskers)
- Cat ownership is mandatory for employment at Windscribe
Cons
- Based in a 5 eyes country, while cats only have 2 eyes
“Expert” Rating: 1/1
There you have it. Click on the affiliate links above and pay as much as possible.
